We're like a lot better than the average bears
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
