I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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