I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
