He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
