i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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