I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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