Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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