I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i will never coherently bang her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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