in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
