I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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