apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
