Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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