the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
