I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
