i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
