so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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