It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
