Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
