uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.