Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
