You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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