I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
