and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
