I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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