grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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