You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
