If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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