maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
