So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Even the bartender felt bad for me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
