you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
a search helicopter?!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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