um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
