i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
