She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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