i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize