I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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