I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
