I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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