so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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