What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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