Someone shit on the floor
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize