If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
