i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
