best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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