No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
