Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
