She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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