I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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