i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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