So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
