i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
