At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
