What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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