Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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