I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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