you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
