The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
