You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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