In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
